fancying_you fancying_you fancying_you fancying_you fancying_you

k add me thanks!

[	mood	|	sleepy	]
[	music	|	none	]

I've been getting upset way too much latley. I think it is because as much as everyone wants it to be, this summer is going to be nothing like last summer. Most people went away to college while some are excited to come home and see everyone. Others have this idea that they are some ways better than everyone here because they did go away. But what i dont understand is why the college you go or where you went to, has to somehow become part of your character. You dont understand how many dirty looks i get from people when i say i'm going to suffolk. It hurts me because its not that i couldn't go to any other schools, i just wanted to decided what i wanted to do before i dove into a career. I wasnt going to go and waste my parents money trying to figure the rest of my life out. Alcholoism runs in my family, and it scares me to see the way my family drinks, so i dont really drink all that much which is another reason. Does this make me any less a person? I dont think so. Yea things are different from wherever anyone goes to college, and i understand that being home might not be so great compared to wherever you go to college. I just dont think its right to critisize people who stayed home, its not fair at all. This is in general just so you know, about many different things that have happened that just got me upset.

oh well off to work i go...

[	mood	|	blah	]
[	music	|	As tall as lions	]

Sometimes i get in really sad moods and i think about things that make me upset. Latley i have just been in a pretty blah mood, kinda like tired and lethargic and bored of everything around me. The same town i see every day, the same streets, the same work, the same mall, everything is the same. Everyone says when you get older you will see things will change. Well im 18 now and not very much has changed, im still looked at like the baby of the family. I still find myself setting my hopes to high and getting shot down, looking everywhere for something that will provide me with some fullfillment. Its not that i want to go out and get drunk of high, because well i've seen how i am when i am drunk and well i dont like myself. Its just not me...once in a while im fine, but i'll pass on the beer belly, belching, and other things that come with the chronic drinker...i've seen it up close and personal and i dont really like it. I know i have down tone but i just feel like im in a rut. I know its weird to say but i am kind of excited, my parents just got back from N.C. and they found a town that they really like, and they looked at houses and priced them and stuff. And i actually got excited, like the thought of leaving here. Starting over new and getting some fresh air, i know that when i leave i will miss it here and i will miss being in NY and hearing everyone say :Lawng Guyland: and other favoriets of mine. I find my self looking to the past too much, thinking what if's and should of could have would have, regrets and wonders about decisions and actions that maybe i should have changed. I just dont know what to do, i wish i had someone who i know i could just call up and vent to but i dont have that. I wish i had a sister who didnt look at me like im some alien from another planet, i wish i didnt have a brother who looked at me like im still 10. I wish i didnt mess up frienships that i've had since 7th grade, or kindergarten. I wish i could somehow see the future and not make the mistakes im going to make. I wish that things for once would just go my way and i not mess up everything. I sometimes get scared that for the rest of my life i will never have that true feeling of happiness and fullfillment. I want to have a big family, i want to live in quant little town and raise a loving family, i want to be around for my children and not leave them home alone for hours like i was. Just everything latley is going wrong...nothing really is going the right way. I just want school to be over, i want to go the Jersey shore and lay on the beach for hours and see joanna and diana cousins who are my age and who i get along with so well. Thank goodness for james, he had a party last week and it was nice seeing dan, vin, bill and everyone who i haven't seen in a while. James is probably the best cousin i could ever ask for he really has been helping me with probably some of the hardest news i would ever have to deal with. I really dont know i would be doing with out him. Im sorry for being depressed i just really dont know wats wrong with me lately...i just need something new. sorry to bore you

( Growing up is hard to doo )

[	mood	|	awake	]
[	music	|	Summertime-Mae	]

Well this week has been so wonderful for so many reasons. The trees are finally turning green no longer are the brown depressing twigs. Flowers are started to bloom making everything so colorful once again and i find myself smiling when i see the sun shining on a tree dressed with pink and white flowers. The weather was so gorgeous being able to go outside and feel that heat hit you in the face it was so uplifting. It is so true how nature can effect you emotionally..i really believe that. But the changing of the season is only a small portion of why this past week has truly made me so happy, the real reason is mikes parents went to montreal for their 25th anniversary. I stayed over his house on sunday night and i must say it was truly amazing. I love being able to roll over and see him and hold him. Waking up next to him is comfortable and natural. I've spent a lot of my time over there, hanging out with stephy and danielle. Kinda became part of the family, i even spent some time there all by myself. It was nice though, it made me wish that one of us had our own place where we could do that everyday and i could spend the night with him whenever i wanted. Im sure some day it will happen, but i just have to wait until then

( Love )

Other things have been on my mind too, i really dont like letting people slip away. Yet i let it happen time and time again, i dont know why. I really want to fix things with corinna and lindsay. They were my best friends all the way through high school but yet when they went away i felt like i lost them. So instead of doing the right thing and trying harder to fix things, i just let it slip through my grasp once again and lost two of my best friends. It is entirely my fault i know this, i just dont know why i do things like that. Its so hard being home and having everyone gone. Back in october when it first hit me, i was so lost without them. I have made a new group of friends who i truly adore with all of my heart and i know that god brought them to me for so many reasons. They were the perfect remedy for my friendless disease i had been stricken with. Casi, sammy, jenna, kristin, and all of the hearts crew like RJ and eeamon they all are such great people and have become a second family to me. But as much of my furture that they have, my past with corinna and lindsay is so strong and i really want things to be okay when they come home for the summer. I know that i will make an effort to see them more than i did when they were still home before. Hopefully it will be a lot easier with more places to go and more things to do. I really really hope so.

( Best Friends Mean )

Well Im gonna go to get ready for school...then after school i have work...then finally its the weekend and i can stay over mikes again tonite <3<3<3<3<3<3

[	mood	|	bored	]
[	music	|	video games	]

This is what you do when you are incredibly bored...Thank you kristin for giving me something to do while im at work!

LEVEL ONE
-- Name: Meghan Patricia :Lever
-- Birthdate: 8*6*86
-- Birthplace: smithtown
--Current Location: i'm at work right now, but i live in holbrook
-- Eye Color: boring brown
-- Hair Color: brownish
-- Height: 5'2
-- Right or Lefty: righty
-- Zodiac Sign: leo

LEVEL TWO
-- Your heritage: mostly irish. with some german in there
-- The shoes you wore today: um mocasains and now i have blue new balance
-- Your weakness: my insercurity
-- Your fears: being alone
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: figuring out what i want to do with my life

LEVEL THREE
-- Your most overused phrase: like, truly, flip
-- Your thoughts first waking up: why am i not at casi's house?
-- Your best physical feature: dont have any
-- Your bedtime: during the week usually around 12:30-1

LEVEL FOUR
-- Pepsi or Coke: usually cherry coke if i drink soda
-- McDonalds or Burger King: neither
-- Single or group dates: umm depends on the mood
-- Adidas or Nike: either doesnt matter to me
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton..thats what i get at <alberts3
-- Chocolate or vanilla: def chocolate
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Hot Chocolate

LEVEL FIVE
-- Smoke: nope

-- Cuss: not really
-- Sing: all the time even though im not very good
-- Take a shower everyday: yup sometimes twice
-- Do you think you've been in love: yes...<3<3
-- Excited to go to college or university?: nope not at all..i dont even know what im doing
-- Like high school: I miss it so much
-- Want to get married: Yesss!
-- Believe in yourself: sometimes
-- Get motion sickness: not really..only on the tornado with kristin that one time...gosh that was bad
-- Think you're a health freak: im trying to eat better
-- Get along with your parents: ehhh sometimes
-- Like thunderstorms: yes...i used to sit on my bungalows porch and watch it all the time

LEVEL SIX: In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: just a little bit at my st. patricks day party
-- Smoked: nope
-- Made out: yes 
-- Gone on a date: not since mine n mikes 2 year
-- Gone to the mall: way too much for my own good
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: gosh no
-- Eaten sushi: i actually tried it for the first time with casi
-- Been on stage: nope
-- Been dumped: nope
-- Gone skating: i skate once a week at work
-- Made homemade cookies: yes i did
-- Gone skinny dipping: never
-- Dyed your hair: Never

LEVEL SEVEN: Ever..
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: ummm yes
-- Been caught doing something: not really
-- Been called a tease: sometimes
-- Gotten beaten up: i beat my self up..
-- Changed who you were to fit in: not really or intentionally.

LEVEL EIGHT
-- Age you hope to be married: 24-26
-- Numbers and Names of Children: um 4-5  i love irish names like (Kieran, Aidan, Hayley) 

-- How do you just want to die: Peacefully
-- Where you want to go to college/university?: i dont know....
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: i hate this question
-- What country would you most like to visit: ireland

LEVEL NINE: In a guy/girl...
-- Best eye color? deep eyes that you can stare at
-- Best hair color? it doesn't really matter.
-- Short or long hair: inbetween is nice
-- Height: taller than me.
-- Best weight: doesn't matter.
-- Best articles of clothing: collared shirts <3

-- Best first date location: movies and coldstone
-- Best first kiss location: my front porch <3 or in keris room lol

LEVEL TEN
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: i dont know
-- Number of CDs: i dont know
-- Number of piercings: 6
-- Number of tattoos: zippo
-- Number of scars on my body: i have no clue
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: sometimes i think about myself too much, that a big flaw and i have made a lot of mistakes.

A p p e a r a n c e
WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?: tan pants
WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?: a sports plus work shirt...its black
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: gold coast song...beach boys
WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: fruit 2O
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: nice...sunny and like 50's
HOW ARE YOU?: in a better mood than this morning

--H a v e Y o u--
BROKEN THE LAW: speeding
RAN AWAY FROM HOME: sure..actually just the other night
SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE: once when i was in like 9th grade to go to toms house
EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: never
MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL:  lol yes...
EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: ew grossss
USED YOUR PARENTS' CREDIT CARD BEFORE: nope
DITCHED SCHOOL BEFORE: yes i have
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: almost every morning

BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY: never

LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: yesss all the time

L o v e
SEXUALITY: straight.
BEEN IN LOVE?: yes i am <3<3
YOUR GREATEST REGRET: im not sure
GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR THREE DAYS: not really

R a n d o m
DO YOU HAVE A JOB: im at it right now.
YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: umm underoath

IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: pink...dur
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: Having a good time with good people
WHO MAKES YOU THE HAPPIEST? my family, my friends, MIKE.
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: hot hot heat i think
WHO DO YOU CONSIDER GOOD FRIENDS?:  i have a lot but latley its been kristin, casi, sammy, jenna, christina and i'll always have my corinna and keri and kristen and lindsay,
WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?: hanging out with my friends and family

W h e n / W h a t W a s T h e L a s t
TIME YOU CRIED?: probably yesterday
GOT A REAL LETTER? last year
YOU GOT E-MAIL: myspace...gay
THING YOU PURCHASED: gum and water
TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED?: newlyweds
MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE THEATER: Saw..

SOOOO BORED <3<3 

[	mood	|	confused	]
[	music	|	the format	]

I can't believe its thursday already, this week seemed to just fly by. My weekend is here again which is good but, it means that school starts again on monday. And my life of freedom and fun goes back to the same school, work, homework, sleep. This week has probably been one of the best in a while, i love how i can just hang out with casi, sammy, jenna, christina, and of course kristin and just have so much fun. They are such sincere people and have such true hearts. But for some reason i feel like something is missing...i dont know what.

My self-esteem has been kinda low lately and i dont know why, i look in the mirror and i want to change everything. My hair, my face, my body, my skin..i dont know why but i just want to be that person i was back in december. I lost that person somehow and i want it back...im gonna go tanning today and maybe get my hair cut over the weekend. I know its silly and you should be happy with who you are, but when u have a family obsessed with weight watchers and who is so into looks and appearances..i guess i kinda just fell into the trap.

I was looking at my year book the other day, and all i wanted to do was just to go back in time, to be the person i was then, to be with the people i was with, to see the friends i always saw...i miss them terribly. Not just physically but personality...as much i have changed they all changed too. I wish we could all go back to senior year and re-live that trip to washington..that day in busch gardens...that was probably one of the most memorable days of my life.

Latley i have been thinking about my future a lot, what i want to do and where i want to be...and it makes me so upset that i haven't found any answers..i dont know anything. The one thing that i want to make sure of is that i can have a family and be able to see them and raise them, i dont want to be a mom that is never around. Family is something that is sooo incredibly important to me..i dont want just one child. I want children, i want to give them all my parents have given me and more. I have loved children since i can remember. I know everyone says become a teacher its the best job, you get summers off and everything. But in the last 5 years there is no need for teachers and i dont want to go to school for a job i can't get. So then where does that leave me?? I thought about becoming a nurse, but one thing in life that im not good at handling is death..and to be surrounded by it, is not something i would enjoy doing. I look at my mom and dad and think of how the raised me, how my mom was home for me all the time babysitting and doing little odds n ends job...just scraping by..i want to be settled and have money when i have kids. But college is also another question in my life...where to go after suffolk...i only have a year left.

I always said i wanted to stay home, but latley i have been kinda debating that more and more. Kristin is going to Oneonta so im def thinking maybe i will tranfer there after a visit or two to her to see how things are. I was also thinking maybe some where warmer...where on my days off i can go to the beach and lay out and relax..like the carolinas somewhere. Or then again the option to move with my parents to pennslyvania to their farm house they want to get built. Or i could stay here on the island and go to st. joe's like every other aspiring teacher..but i just dont know what is keeping me here. Would i ever be able to afford L.I.? its just so many questions and so little answers i just dont know what to do...i know this is just rambling but sometime i jsut like to go off.

things will be okay, and will work out i know this because i have faith. Will they work out the way i plan? That i can not say...im only 18 and i have nothing figured out. Its about time i start cutting the things in life that are weighing me down and keep me supressed..i have to start living my life the way i want to.

sorry for all the boring-ness..i was gonna do a quiz but it all got deleted..so im gonna go to laundry at the laundry mat

heres a little song:

I was on your porch, the smoke sank into my skin so i came inside to be with you and we talked all night, about everything
We could imagine cause come the morning ill be gone and as our eyes start to close i turn to you and i let you know that i
Love you well my dad was sick and my mom she cared for him her love it nursed him back to life and me i ran, i couldnt even
Look at him for fear id have to say goodbye and as i start to leave he grabs me by the shoulder and he tells me whats left
To lose, youve done enough and if you fail well then you fail but not to us cause these last three years, i know theyve been
Hard but now its time to get out of the desert and into the sun even if its alone so now here i sit, in a hotel off of
Sunset my thoughts bounce off of sams guitar and thats the way its been, ever since we were kids but now, now weve got
Something to prove and i, i can see there eyes but tell me something, can they see mine cause whats left to lose, ive done
Enough and if i fail well then i fail but i gave it a shot and these last three years, i know theyve been hard but now its
Time to get out of the desert and into the sun even if its alone i was on your porch last nite, the smoke it sank into my
Skin

[	mood	|	dorky	]
[	music	|	Mae-summertime	]

There are few months in a year where the sun doesnt hide away all day....

These days that the sun is awake, are the days that by far the fondest in my memory. The air is so hot, heavy and moist..sticking to you as soon as you come out of your door. The sun beats down on you was you in the sand, burning you. Some people say its stupid to lay out in the sun, but why deprive us of this one joy that is only acessable for a short amount of time.

Once you've had your fill of soaking up the suns rays, you have god's swimming pool just a few feet away. There is no other feeling that can compare to swimming in the ocean, the pebbley earth that you sink your feet into, the way that the waves move you, the salty taste that hangs on your lips, and of course being covered in sand on your way back to the blanket.

Now that your all burnt and covered in sand you can sit in steaming hot car, squished next to the people you love the most. With your sweet sweet sunglasses, your salty sandy hair pulled back into the most uncomfortably pony tail, the windows rolled down and your legs sticking to the seats, you turn your music up smile and enjoy the sights and sounds of the ride home. The day isnt half way over yet, it's the exact opposite, its just begining.

After a hot relaxing shower than makes you think you've never been cleaer, you realize how bad your tan lines really are, and you make sure you use as much aloe vera as you possibly can. You get dressed into a skirt, comfy tank top, and of course the choice flip flops that you enjoy oh so much. Once again the sweet sunglasses come back into play,  and your on your way to the little vinnys where the best summer pizza is made. Everyone is there, along with tan lines like yours..some even worse. There are too many of you to fit at the tables, so your squished into a tiny booth, sticking to those people once again, but this time your not so sandy. You eat your fill of pizza and throw your remains to anyone who is crying for some "pizza bones" , but you don't leave yet, everyone stays and talks about what the plans are for tonight and once you figure out whats going on, then it is okay to leave.

You find yourself killing time untill nightfall comes, maybe your laying in his arms that comfort you more than a blanket can, maybe your sitting on a swing diving into a book, maybe your at the holtsville park walking around seeing the animals, or visiting him in that air conditioned box that he spends most of his time in, maybe you go to friendly's to get a cyclone, or maybe you just lay down in the grass and look at clouds deciding what kind of animal or automobile you think it resembles. No matter what you do, it makes the time go by untill you can finally get ready for a night out.

You make what seems like hundreds of phone calls to see who is driving, how to get there, what to wear, who is going, important things like that. Finally you get changed into another skirt, tank top, and switch it up with some other pair of choice flip flops and hopefully a bag to match. Its still kind of sunny out so you put on those sweet sweet sunglasses once again, and enjoy that breeze that blows through your hair, even though it messes your hair up you dont mind because its only here for a short amount of time. You pick him up, and then go to the nights destination. Of course there is the infamoud ruit table, and there is always one team that seems to dominate it for the entire evening. Sure you just sit around in someone's backyard, listening to music, carrying on casual conversation, maybe even spark up a random dance contest in the middle of the street, but this night seems to be one of the best nights of your life. Your spending it with people who will make your adolescent years, the most memorable ones. The night seems to fly by, and someone is getting sick in the bathroom, so you know its time to leave. You give your hugs and kisses goodbyes, and he grabs your hand as you both walk to your car. You realize he is the most amazing person you have ever met, for no particular reason, just the touch of his hand agaisnt yours makes you think it.

It is way to dark for those sweet sweet sunglasses now, so they remain in their case next to the seat, even though you are exhausted and burnt, the mear thought of leaving him makes you want to cry, so you drive as slow as possible saving the few minutes of the night you have left with him. You pull up to his house and give him the biggest hug your capable of giving, in return he gives you a sweet romantic kiss goodnight, you feel as if you were leaving him forever, even though its just a few hourse till you see him again. The drive home seems lonely, but your favorite mae songs keep you company on the long 3 1/2 minute drive home. You get home and apply some more aloe vera on and get changed into another tank top and some random pair of comfortable shorts. You lie in bed and call him to tell him goodnight and remind him of how much you love him, when you hang up you lie reflecting back on the day that had just passed, and you know now that you have the best friends that you could ever imagine. Finally you drift off to sleep...

You wake up the sounds of the birds chirping, and lawn care workers doing everything in their power to make sure they make the most noise possible, your purple walls seem to be brighter than ever because your father thought it would be funny to open all of your blinds. Once you get over those first hazy moments you realize that the sun is awake and so are you, your only obligation is to make this day better than the previous. You smile, get up, and start the whole process over again...

I love the summer....and i miss it very much...

Summertime, summertime
brought me back to thinking you were mine all those times.
We laid it down and left it all behind, we were blind.

Oh, the summertime.
We could ride, we could ride.
Take my hand and watch the world go by.
Laugh or cry, well we need to try, get off the line, time to fly.
Oh, the summertime.

Go on ahead and let it fade away.
No looking back you know the past will stay.
It's you and me, we could get out of here.
Jump in and go and we could drive for years.
We could feel alive...

Here we are, here we are,
windows down we see a falling star.
Stop the car.
Waiting for nothing but our beating hearts, going far.

Oh, the summertime.
So feel the air, feel the air,
take the map and point to anywhere.
I don't care. Fingers through your hair,
the sky I've seen is blue and green.
Oh, the summertime.

Driving away, leaving it all behind.
Driving away, just driving away. --(Mae)

<3-Megs

[	mood	|	cheerful	]
[	music	|	death cab for cutie--sound of settling	]

Well i finally have a minute to myself where i can collect my thoughts and vent. I'll be honest i haven't posted in a while 1. because i have been so busy 2. i didnt really want to..lol! But everyone needs to vent sometimes its just like cleaning your room...when it gets to cluttered you have to sort through everything, organize it and then put it back where it belongs.

This winter break has been the best by far, i've been spending time with so many different people and getting to see them all is so nice. I'm really gonna be sad when they have to go back to school, Jim already left...Evan had to go back to Harvard to take some finals but he will be back for a little while...Corinna is going back soon. Everyone who is at strathmore every morning will be gone, and it will be back to me and brian sitting there for 2 hours only seeing like one person we know. I love just hanging out with everyone, we dont have be at a party getting drunk to have fun, my friends have the best personalities they can make anything fun! I hope the spring semester goes fast because i honestly can not wait for this summer...it is gonna be sweet!

The one thing that has kinda upset me is the fact that i never really hang out with kids from work anymore besides danielle, amanda, and tom. It's weird how close we all used to be and now i talk to them ocasionally like john n sean i only talk to when they have parties, i never see amy anymore, jill n fig i talk to when i'm at work but never see them outside of work. Its just kinda sad because for like two months they were the only people i really hung out with. I guess its better like this though, less drama this way. At least we all dont hate eachother.

This winter break has also been a really good one because i've become close with mike again, i know everyone and anyone has told me this is a bad idea and that i'm just going to get hurt. But no one really understands whats going on and how things between us really are.When we broke up i was bitter and so mad at him so it didnt help for my friends and family to see how upset and depressed i was...that they would think mike isn't a good choice but that was after a break up. Things between us werent alwasy bad.  Its not something you can explain either its just something you feel. I really missed having him in my life and i really tried my hardest to keep him out and not hang out with him...we would talk online ocasionally but that was really it. Then he became more persistant about wanting to hang out, i wouldn't give in though. So he stepped it up and starting visitng me at work and coming to my house. Then finally we went to starbucks with a whole bunch of people, and then applebees...that night we ended up talking about everything under the sun, he told me all that had gone on in his life for the 3 months we didnt talk...and i told everything in my life. We both felt a huge void in our lives when we werent together, we both felt like we could find something better but realized that the shoes that person had to fill were to big for anyone to fill. He tried being the single guy that just dates girls but he realized that is not him at all, i also tried dating but ended up getting my self into something i did not want to be in. But now we are back into eachother's lives, i don't know what is going to happen, but all i know is i am soo happy to have him around again. I realized that when we broke up i became so close minded and judgemental about everything and i dont feel like that anymore. I used to Strongly dislike the ear stretchers but now i dont even realize they are there...hardcore music i never gave it a chance at all now in all honesty i dont really mind it...sure its not my favorite but i def. have a new respect for it. I am not gonna try to be someone i am not, im not a scene girl, i love abercrombie and preppy type clothing...i have my own sense of style and sense of self and that is who i am. I've come to accept people for who they are not what they wear, because someone could be dressed in rags and have the best personality and sense of humor. You can't judge people on anything really unless you know them. I was def guilty of this for a looong time but i am realzing my mistakes and changing it to make things better...

This weekend was really quite interesting....Jim's party friday night was sooooo much fun. Poor jimmy got soooo sick i felt so bad, but from seeing how sick he got..im sure that previous to that he had a grea time. I felt so bad for Heff though i really wanted to stay and clean up but he refused to let me help because i was not one of the mess makers. It was sooo nice to see everyone i havent seen in like months like tracy, sarah, whitney, katie, pepe, pitrowski. I got to see kristen baker which made me soooo happy!!! Im def gonna hang out with her more often! One really big highlight of the night was i finally got to meet all of mikes new friends that he has been hanging out with since we broke up, i was nervous because i know he hadn't really told them that we were on good terms again...but they were all sooo nice and really funny. Even though anytime mike talked to me... they were like staring at us...kinda awkward. Me corinna nick brian and lindsay stayed together most of the time, those boys are tooo funny..and i decided that i am gonna join brian on his next trip to deleware but im staying with lindsay! That will be a sick time!

This weekend was kinda dumpy just for the fact that i had to spend it with my family...not that i dont love them but its really hard when they are sooooooo close minded and everything i say and do is bad in their eyes. I lost weight...they didnt give up on that and brought it up every five minutes, I am going to a community school that is just like wrong in their eyes considering AJ is the best student of all time and believes he knows everything and anything! I wasnt really allowed to go out because they were here but i wasnt spending much time with them either because there is only so much i can take, telling me i didnt really deserve my car, telling me i dont work hard enough for it. Def not a good time, so i stayed cooped up in my room usually reading a book or watching tv...not my favorite weekend at all. On a good note Katie moved in yesterday she is my cousin from south carolina but she is so nice and really funny so im glad she is around!

Well this has been a long enough entry i think!! Like i said i needed to vent!!!

As always here is a song:

I've got a hunger
Twisting my stomach into knots
That my tongue was tied off

My brain's repeating
"if you've got an impulse let it out"
But they never make it past my mouth.

Baa bah, this is the sound of settling
Baa bah, baa bah
[x2]

Our youth is fleeting
Old age is just around the bend
And i can't wait to go grey

And i'll sit and wonder
Of every love that could've been
If i'd only thought of something charming to say.

Baa bah, this is the sound of settling
Baa bah, baa bah
[x4]

I've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots.

Sorry i haven't updated in a while..i've been busy and kinda lacked the energy to update...but my family form massachusetts are here and they are consuming my house so my computer has become my escape...

I hope you like the new layout...i think its cute!

i will update laterrrsss

[	mood	|	complacent	]
[	music	|	remy zero--im not afraid	]

Long time, no talk. I haven't really wrote in here for a little bit, kinda busy. Work has been pretty hectic and then the holiday and everything. But i was under the weather tonight so here i am up dating this thing.

I hope that santa and hannukkah harry were good to you all. I know i got everything that i wanted this year...honestly. This week has been one of the best in a long time. I have become so close with my family, i spend a lot of time with them. I thought these holidays were gonna be hard, considering it was my first in a long time to now have that "special someone" but i really needed to know that i could get through them on my own, and i did! I realized i was missing out on the most important part of christmas, my family.

Christmas day was filled with so many great memories, especially this year. Me and kerry waking up my brother because we were laughing so loud at the christmas story, My dad buying my mom electric orange fishnet underwear from g&g to piss her off, my mom unwrapping the boobah doll that she hates so much, playing scene it, wise and otherwise, and trivial persuit with the family, and feeling for the first time that i was really a part of my family. Day after christmas i worked a little bit and then went to grandmas. My most memorable moment from this holiday was taking the walk through my grandparents neighborhood, all the lights were glimmering, the snow was falling and everything was so peaceful. Tommy, James and I walked and talked about nothing in particular, i didnt even realize how cold it was, the only thing i really thought about was how heavenly it felt.

For so long, people have told me i am unique, different from a lot of girls. I always kind of took it as a insult as if they thought i was weird, but for the first time tonight i realized it isnt a bad thing. I would rather be unique then liek every other girl out there. I dont know why all the people think i am weird/unique but i do like it now. I dont want to be the same, i may not dress very creativley, but i dress the way i want to because thats how i feel, not because thats how my friends dress, or thats the trend. I talk like am 60 year old grandma with all of my weird sayings, and i talk way too much for my own good. But the people who are my friends accept that. I think about all the people who have come and gone in my life, the friends i have let slip away and i wish were closer, the friends i almost lost but gained again, the ones who will be here no matter what, the new friends who have made my life so much better these last couple of months, and hopefully there will be more to come.

Another thing i have come to terms with, love cant be forced. It's not something that you can create, sure you can build on it, but you can't just produce it. It would be, lacking substace and true feelings. It has to come with in, you may meet someone who treats you right, and says the right things, and is everything you always wanted, but if you lack that initial spark...nothing will come of it. "True love lasts a life time"  Love Actually has the best quotes ever!! But its true, real love never fades, its just hidden beneath. I dont need people telling me who i should, could and would be with, it is my life and i will fall for who ever i wish. If i choose the wrong person well than i will fall and fall hard, but if i choose the right person, i will fall and they will catch me. Right now, my heart is leading me to place where i will find peace again. A new year is starting and i want to start it off right.

I will update again sooon...these are just some thoughts i've been having. Hope you enjoyed...it was random i know. sorry...

this songs fits i believe

[	mood	|	relaxed	]
[	music	|	The Grinch Movie	]

Hey to all...its less than a week to christmas. Time is flying by, school is over, everyone is back for the holidays. Its just a good time of year. I had a really nice breakfast the other day with everyone at strathmore, it ended up me brian and corinna for a while. It was just a lot of fun being around my friends again. This vacation is going to be awesome, me and brian will get trashed! lol since we are the ones who stayed home from college and did not get wasted every night, our goal is while everyone is home, we make up for that loss. I think its a pretty fair deal. lol

This weekend wasnt so bad at work, even though i worked all day on saturday it was kinda fun, tommy, tom and fig worked all day in the ice rink so i was with them for a while, and danielle worked all day in the party office, so i had the best of both worlds. lol. It wasnt even that busy, especially the dj session, it was actually quite dead. I love skating though, like latley i just like being out there and skating its good excersize and its fun! I dont even mind like skating around bymyself, as long as there is a good cd on its all good. Me and andrea had a good time skating to kelly clarkson "she knows exactly how i feel" lol lobster. Work has been pretty good, i got an awesome check on friday, im gonna some major damage shopping for every-1! its gonna be fun!

I have figured out why i havent been able to work out with any guys, my guess is that like your heart after a break up is well, damaged in a way.  Its kinda like a sprained ankle, you have to give it time to heal and feel better, and once it feels better you can go back and play the game. If you go back to early chances are you are gonna wind up hurting it again, maybe even worse. So its better to take your time and let it heal, rather than rushing back into the game of love. I must say my heart has been healing pretty good, but its def not ready to get back into the game. lol. Its hard at times, like when i see amanda w/ danny or andrea w/ david. But i know that someday i will be like that again too...i have to enjoy being single and its benefits. lol

John made a comment to me the other day in the office which was wayyy harsh but it def made me think about some things. I have to enjoy my life no matter what, life is soo short. I am 18 already, it feels like just yesterday i was going to all my friend's sweet 16's. Everytime i hear the John Lennon song on the radio, i think about my uncle johnny. He's been gone for almost 2 years, i miss him so much, especially around this time of year. He had his life taken from him, and that can happen to anyone at anytime. This time of year is when you should really let your family know how much you love them, family is something that will be there for you for your entire life. I dont know what i would do with out my crazy family, they might get on my nerves, and i might say i hate them at times. But i know when things in my life get really tough and i need a hand to hold on to, they will be there. It should be a fun holiday, midnight mass with the family, then christmas at the baron's and then day after christmas at grandmas and grandpas! Well im done for now

I dont know if i will have time to update this before christmas, if i dont have a great holiday!!! I hope santa brings you everything you could ever wish for!!!

<3<3 Megs <3 <3

You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I'm telling you whySanta Claus is comin' to town
Santa Claus is comin' to town
Santa Claus is comin' to townHe's making a list
He's checking it twice
He's gonna find out
Who's naughty or niceSanta Claus is comin' to town
Santa Claus is comin' to town
Santa Claus is comin' to townHe sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sakeSo you better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I'm telling you whySanta Claus is comin' to town
Santa Claus is comin' to town
Santa Claus is comin' to townThe kids in girl and boyland
Will have a jubilee
They're gonna build a toyland
All around the Christmas treeSo you better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I'm telling you whySanta Claus (is comin' to town)
Santa Claus (is comin' to town)
Santa Claus is comin'
Santa Claus is comin'
Santa Claus is comin'
To town

[	mood	|	optimistic	]
[	music	|	97.5 christmas	]

My mom just informed me that there is a chance of snow this week, that makes me so excited because i love snow!! I love going sledding, and snowboarding, and playing in the snow, and i also love the hot chocolatley aftermath of a nice frolic in the snow. lol If this christmas turned out to be a white christmas, it would be the best present ever!!

Well...anywho im in a much better mood today and yesterday, i got just a little depressed n down there for a day or two but im right back to where i was. Andrea called me last night and it was such a good conversation we just talked for an hour just about things that lobsters talk about, and work yesterday was actually fun because it was me danielle andrea jill and ashley cause us girls can do anything those boys can do! YOU SHOULD COME TO THE CHRISTMAS SHOW ON SUNDAY its gonna be so much fuN! The employee number is the charlie brown christmas song and its gonna be so much fun!! I think we are gonna make fig either charlie brown or the kid who plays the piano, and andrea is gonna be sally. its gonna pretty cute!! I really honestly cant believe christmas is almost here, in a way im so excited because i love christmas and being together, and just such a great feeling is all around! But im sad because it comes so quick and then its gone again! I think im just gonna like decorate my car for christmas and play christmas music all the time, so this way in my car it feels like christmas every day!

Oh and how awesome is this, Shannon was asking my opinion on the places for her engagement party last night and she said i was helpful! It made me feel good that she even asked me for my opinon and stuff because i thought no one really wanted me to help with the wedding but i guess i just let me gloominess get to me and she really does want me to help.

Schooool is almost over, i'm so excited! I have on final tomorrow, two on friday, and one on monday and then im done!! Its gonna be such a nice month off! Everyone is gonna be home, i am so physced! I cant wait for the crowded strathmore mornings where everyone shows up and no one has anywhere to sit, to just be able to call corinna or lindsay or courtney and know that they are just a few minutes away rather than a few hours away. its gonna be a lot of fun having them home, big brother nick is gonna be home too, eric is already home, its so exciting!

Me and Jill went tanning yesterday and so didnt get any color, very frustrating! I am trying not to go too much because i know it's bad for you. But just a little color is good for me!

As for me on a personal level, im def trying to live life as best as i can, hiding my feelings inside isnt gonna work out, i have to be true to myself and what i want. I'm not sure what they is yet, but im figuring it out slowly. I am gonna just be me, the real me. I may be self concious and sometmes too shy, and pick myself apart, i may not be the funniest girl , i may not be the smartest girl , i may be ditzy at times, im over-dramatic sometimes, i may be too senstive as well, but all of these things are me! I have flaws many of them, but they are part of who i am. All my friends and family accept my flaws and love me for me. Love actually is all around (this movie is just the best)

well thats enough rambling for now...gotta go to the bank and get you all some gifts!!!!

Leave me comments...<3<3<3

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

lol by the way if u call my voice mail, i am the biggest loser and changed the message give it a listen 525-6869

<3 meggo <3